70 and child-free | Q&A with Colorado seniors on life without having children

Published by Colorado Politics on Oct. 31, 2022.

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While having children has long been viewed as a mandatory mark of adulthood, today, more and more people are opting to live child-free lives in Colorado and nationwide.

Colorado’s annual fertility rate — total live births per 1,000 women aged 15 to 44 — hovered at around 60 to 70 births since 1980, peaking at 70.8 births in 2006, according to state data. But the fertility rate has since plummeted, decreasing nearly every year and hitting 52.7 in 2021. Colorado’s birth rate — total live births per 1,000 population — has similarly fallen, going from 17.1 in 1980, to 14.9 in 2006, to 10.8 in 2021.

The drop in fertility and birth rates aligns with national trends, though Colorado’s decrease is more substantial. Colorado’s fertility and birth rates went from 2.3 and 0.7 births above the national averages in 2006, to 3.9 and 0.3 births below the national averages in 2021. This year, Colorado has the eighth lowest fertility rate in the country and is tied for the 12th lowest birth rate, according to World Population Review.

In a Colorado Politics report, some young adults pointed to modern issues that are leading them to forgo children, such as high costs of living, climate change, rising gun violence and the recent loss of national abortion rights. However, other Coloradans decided against children many decades ago.

Colorado Politics talked to three local senior women who chose not to have children about why they made the decision and how it impacted their lives looking back. Here’s what they said:

Colorado Politics: Tell me a little bit about yourself and your background.

Carol: I'm 78. I was married to my husband for 48 years. He passed away 11 years ago, so I'm just carrying on by myself. We came to Colorado in 1973. I started as a dancer and became a choreographer, a theatrical costumer. I was in broadcasting for 10 years, banking for 10 years and then I opened a wedding gown design service for another 12 years. From there, I got into custom fine jewelry design about 30 years ago, and that's what I've been doing ever since.

Anna: I am in my 70s, born in Colorado, lived in Colorado Springs for almost 50 years. I worked in the education field. I was married 52 years, no children, now widowed. 

Linn: I'm 77. I'm from Kansas, but I didn't stay there long. I've lived all over. Germany for six years, California, Kansas, Kentucky, Georgia. I have always been an artist and I studied art in college. When I came back from Europe, I got accepted into Hanna-Barbera Studios. I became an animator’s assistant and then I met my husband Bob, who was an animator. He was divorced and had three children. In the '80s, we moved to Colorado and bought an animation studio. I'm working it now. Bob’s been gone 17 years. 

CP: When did you first realize that you didn’t want to have children? What was your reasoning at the time?

Carol: I was probably about 10. I was living in a very small town in a rural area of Ohio. At that time, I could see what difficulties my parents and my parents' acquaintances, neighbors and friends had with their own children. They had to set aside all their dreams, all their prospects and all the things they wanted to do and accomplish in their lives. They sacrificed themselves for their children. And I could see it wasn't just my parents and that generation, but throughout history and for future. That's the way it was and that's the way it is. No generation can ever realize its full potential because of the demands of the next generation. 

Anna: I didn’t do a lot of realizing or reasoning about not having children. It always seemed remote, having very little connection with me and what I found interesting. It would be the same if I was asked when I realized I didn’t want to be a welder or a rock climber. Just not me. I remember being a pre-teen when my older sister and I were walking to the municipal swimming pool, and she was wondering “what her future husband is doing right now.” I was amazed. That was the farthest thing from my mind.

Linn: I'm the oldest of four. I helped raise them and they were fun. I like kids, I babysat for extra money and things like that. But I didn’t think I’d have kids of my own, I thought I’d just have horses. But I made my mind up when I was in college. The first year, I could see that I had talent. I was one of the freshmen that got to be in the upper-class art exhibit, and I thought, “If I want to go professional, I have to keep my eyes on that and I have to spend all my time learning.” It just became my passion and I decided then that my career was going to have to come first.

CP: How did your feelings about having children change as you got older? 

Carol: They became more profound and I became more secure in those feelings. Then with my husband having the same feelings, it was just easy for us to proceed without reproducing. If my husband had wanted a family, then I probably would have said yes. I could have probably changed my mind if it had been important to him. But both of us realized, even that long ago, that the world was too full. It's too full of people and it is becoming more and more so all the time. There’s precious little we could do about it except not contribute to the overpopulation. We've come to a point on our planet where we are simply overusing all of the natural resources that can't be replenished as fast as we are destroying them. This is a very frightening situation. And we really don't need to perpetuate ourselves. We really can live our lives in a fulfilling fashion. Because I didn't have the obligations of children, I was able to accept opportunities that were offered to me. I never had to say no to something that intrigued me because somebody else was depending on me.

Anna: The only incident I remember as a teenager was when mom was saying JC Penny has a linen sale every January. She said I should keep such things in mind when I have my house and family. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I didn’t say anything. But I distinctly remember knowing house, family and linens were not interesting to me. Growing up in the Midwest in the ‘50s, I was not aware of alternatives to home and family. Everyone in our small rural town was married with children, except for a few schoolteachers. I had no interest. In college, an earnest young man declared to me that I would have his children. Yikes. Maybe that declaration enticed college girls who said they were in college to get their Mrs. I didn’t have career counsellors in high school or college, but I was vaguely aware that I was in college to get a “meal ticket.”

Linn: It was obvious. I knew that I was an outstanding artist, and I also knew that if I was going to go anywhere with this talent, I needed to throw all my energy into it and keep myself focused on the art field. I didn't know it was going to be animation at that time, that was just the right place at the right time to be accepted into Hanna-Barbera. Then, when you become part of a studio, you might as well be in the military. They tell you when you're going to work, how long you're going to work. It's a lifestyle. Also, Bob's boys lived with their mother, and we had them on the weekends and vacations. I just didn't have the urge to bring another child into their lives and make them feel like they were second. They became my kids. And it was really convenient because they could go back to mom, and we could go back to work. 

CP: Did you ever face any pushback for your decision from family, friends or others?

Carol: Unfortunately, society as a whole and our nearby relatives and friends don't look kindly on women who don't have children by choice. If they don't have children from something they have no control over, then they're pitied. But if they choose not to have children, then they're pilloried. I got an awful lot of negative reactions, more from my in-laws. Every visit we were having to defend ourselves and defend our outlook and our reasoning. It all goes back to that saying, “Misery loves company.” Our grandparents wanted our parents to be as miserable as they were, and our parents want us to be as miserable as they were. It's a self-perpetuating negativity that brings children into this world.

Anna: I didn’t get any kind of pushback or reactions. Luckily, my parents never asked when I was going to get married and have children. I feel very fortunate that my mom and dad allowed me to be me. My wonderful husband left the choice up to me. His mom and dad never asked me about the matter. The kindness of all of them is something I can never repay. I am forever grateful to them all. 

Linn: No, probably because I'm so busy. I was as busy then as I am now. Plus, my youngest sister has two kids and my second sister has one and my brother has a daughter. And I think with Bob and I, when I married him, I had kids right then and there.

CP: Do you have any regrets about not having children? Have you ever had any regrets about it?

Carol: Never for one second. Never. In fact, I know a great many people here and I can divide them into two groups: Those who had children and those who were childless by choice. And there is a vast difference in the quality of their lives today. The ones who have children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren are constantly worried about them. When we get together, that's really all they can talk about. When I get together with my other friends who are childless by choice, we have a vast array of interests. We travel, we do things, we enjoy ourselves, we are able to engage with other people and we can converse on a great many different subjects, other than diapers and ball games.

Anna: No. To me, it would be sad to have a child or children I didn’t want.

Linn: No. I would probably have regrets if I didn't have dogs. That’s terrible to say, but I love animals. And I love kids. I enjoy children, I love to be around them, but it doesn't seem to be in my DNA that I really need to produce a child.

CP: How do you think your life would be different today if you did have kids?

Carol: We wouldn't be in Colorado, for one thing. We would have stayed in the Midwest where we both grew up, near our families. We probably would never have been able to travel, never have been able to engage in a lot of the endeavors that we did. Everything we would be doing would be geared to raising these children. So, I can't think that it would've been a good thing. I wouldn't have this rich, wonderful life to look back on. I'm sure I would've been stuck in a job and my husband would've been stuck in a job, and we wouldn't have been able to do anything other than work as hard as we could to raise and educate our children. And that's the way most people are.

Anna: I think it would be sad to have children I didn’t want. It would also be sad to be coerced into being a welder or rock climber if I didn’t want that.

Linn: I've never really thought about it. If they didn't like animals and they didn't like art, I don't know what kind of relationship we would have. It might have gone the same way, I just don't know if I would be in the same arena. The arts field. I have a lot of friends that are in the arts, from the animation field up to fine art painting, and a lot of them don't have kids. When someone has the talent and they put their energy towards that, I'm not sure who's going to suffer, the kids or the talent. But somewhere you're going to have to bar from your talent or bar from raising kids. I think I wouldn't be that selfish, I would put my energy into the kids.

CP: What is your reaction to the fact that an increasing number of young adults are deciding against having kids? Did you think this would happen when you were a young adult?

Carol: I applaud them. I applaud them because I think more than anything else, they have a strength of character and a conscience and a backbone that allows them to say, “No, I'm not going to do that. It may be what you expect of me, but that is not good enough.” At that time, it certainly did not seem as though it was going to be catching on. There was a period when women were bought into the idea that they could have it all. They could have a career and they could also have a family. And it was possible, but it was also exhausting. I think maybe we've come to a point where we realize that making a choice is the best way to go about it.

Anna: People need to find what is right for them. Freedom of choice is a gift that honors all of us. Honor yourself and others for their choice. On a personal note, I came from a wonderful loving family. I am grateful for that. My sister and brother both have children. I am happy that their desire to have a family was just exactly right for them. I applaud stay-at-home moms. I hope someday being a mother will be honored along with other worthwhile pursuits. But being a mother was not my interest.

Linn: I'm not surprised about it. I think a lot of that is our society today. We don't have the society in America like the Japanese and some foreign countries do, that their kids are their treasures. That's their future, the name that is carried on. Here in America and in the times that we're living in, a lot of people are just struggling to make ends meet. They need to make a decision, “If I have kids, do I have the time to put my life into their life? To teach them and spend time with them and not just go off to work and let somebody else take care of them?” I think a lot of people in their professions now just don't have the time.

CP: What would you say to a young adult today who says they don’t want kids? Do you have any warnings or advice? 

Carol: Unless you're really devoted to the idea of being a parent and being a good parent, don't do it. Don't do it. There are enough kids who are just dropped and abandoned, and we see that all the time. Unfortunately, parenting is a tough job. And if you're not up to it or you don't feel like you really can do it, then don't do it. Don't destroy another life just to make your mother happy.

Anna: Honor who you are. Be grateful every day. Realize what your talents and interests are. Bring your energies to whatever makes the world a better place. Someone said, “Happiness is the new rich, inner peace is the new success, health is the new wealth and kindness is the new cool.” Mary Oliver said, “Pay attention. Be amazed.” All good.

Linn: I do think that they probably are missing some of life. To me, when kids are around, there’s that young energy and their excitement about life and learning. They are going to miss some of that if they don't have any kids around them. And when they get to be my age, they might not have any family. That is the one thing I have to say. But I think that it's their decision. I don't ask them why. We don't know what their situation is. 

Editor's Note: This interview was edited for length and clarity. The interview subjects requested to use their first names only due to privacy concerns.